Redneck Rules for Gracious Living
The original concept for this list was a sign I saw posted in a friend's business. Numbers 1 to 12 are from that sign. No author was given. All entries after that are the result of recommendations or the result of my own twisted view at life. FYI, I grew up in the hills of south-central Indiana so a few of these hit close to home.
- A centerpiece for your dining table probably shouldn't be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
- Don't let the dog eat at the table - no matter how good his manners are.
- Refrain from yelling at people on the T.V. screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
- While ears should be cleaned regularly...this job should be done using one's OWN truck keys.
- Although uncomfortable - it is alright to wear shoes and socks to weddings.
- Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
Gift cards from the Feed & Grain supply may be acceptable if wrapped with decorative duct tape. Add on by John Carter
- When drinking wine - make sure you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
- Never take a beer to a job interview - any job worth having will already have it stocked.
- A well written prenuptial agreement always includes all the dogs, guns and non-running vehicle bodies.
- Refrain from whistling at women in church - wait until they are outside.
It is best if your wife is not also outside, just to be safe. Add on by John Carter
- Carry a fly swatter on your dash - to reach the kids in the back seat.
- Always identity people in your yard - before shooting at them.
- If you install a portable radio on your riding lawn mover, try to get one that uses batteries. When using the other type, the extension cord may get tied around the Rose Bushes when you cut donuts around them pretending you are mowing.
- It is a fashion faux pas to wear different NASCAR numbers on your hat and your shirt. It is acceptable to use duct tape to put the correct number on a new T-Shirt or to have a relative shave the number in your back and chest hair and go without a shirt.
I apologize to everyone that just ran to the bathroom to toss their lunch.
- If you paint your favorite NASCAR number on your riding lawn mover, you should keep the number the entire year, even when the driver fails to make the Top 10.
- When picking up hitch-hikers, they must sit in the back of the truck as the front seat is reserved for huntin' dogs.
- A gracious redneck remembers to be polite and compliment his neighbor on his yard anytime he goes over to bum a beer off of him.
- A gracious redneck never loans tools. Any friend worth having will have his own set of everything sold in the Sears Father's Day catalog and will not need yours.
- A gracious redneck recycles. He will take parts from 4 broken down pickup trucks to make one that runs - mostly. And he will keep the remaining parts of the other 4 in case he needs more parts in the future.
- A gracious redneck will prevent his ammo from expiring by liberally shooting it off when possible. Often this activity may be mixed with drinking, driving and NASCAR.
- A gracious redneck will never borrow a friend's good huntin' dog. He will invite the friend to go huntin' with 'im and then ask, "by the way, dus yous wants ta brings ya hound wit ya?"
- A gracious redneck never blames a bad huntin' trip on the dog or his huntin' partners. The person most likely to be blamed is the person no longer standing with the group.
- A gracious redneck never throws his empty beer cans on the side of the road. With a proper flick of the wrist, the can will land in the back of the pickup every time, regardless how fast he is driving.
- A gracious redneck understands that Sunday is a day of rest and respect. Sunday Mornings is reserved for Religious Services, Sunday mid-day is for family to eaten' ta'gether, and Sunday afternoons is for religiously watching football.
- A gracious redneck, when asked if he will give away his sister at her wedding, does not respond, "Give 'er away, I pay ya to take her".
- A gracious redneck cleans up the beer cans in yard once the pile can be seen over the fence. A true redneck will also have enough to pay for a fishing trip.