Bank fees the bank does not want you to know about
The lists below was started long ago, however, the following example is an actual example regarding Nevada State Bank and occurred on February 23, 2010. Only the names of the individuals I talked to have been changed. The rest is actual and factual.
I logged into my bank accounts to check the balances. The personal accounts are not as critical as the business account as it can have many transactions daily. I noted a $15 fee listed on Feb. 22, 2010, labeled Analysis Fee. What? I did not request anything to be analysised? Puzzled, I called the customer service center and talked to DS #1. I explained to her my question. After several minutes with her “researching” my account, she professed “No Idea”. She then bridged on another party, DS #2, explained to him my question. He placed me on hold and then returned to say he would have to do more investigation. Now mind you – THEY put the charge on my account and THEY don’t know why! I explained I had a business to run, could they call me back when they had an answer to why they where taking my money? A call back was sort of promised.
About one hour later, the phone rings and a young lady introduces herself and says she is calling regarding my questions. I again explained the issue of this Analysis Fee on my account. She, not surprising at this point, has no idea. She says she will call me back. Another 30 minutes passes and DS #3 finally calls back to inform me she has seen the light, or at least has an answer. If seems, that someone with more time (and bonus money) on their hands then they deserved had decided that the monthly Account Fee that I paid each month on the last day of the month should be now called an Analysis Fee and be charged on or about the 22nd of each month. It was explained to me, and I quote, “This change was made to make it easier for them”.
This immediately raised two questions (1) How is it easier if it has just wasted nearly 1 person hour of time (mine and bank people) for a name change to something that is totally unrelated to the actual name? and (2) Who is “them”. Not surprising, she could not answer either question.
Summary: I hope you now can guess what DS means. Also, and here is the consprisory theorist angle, is this fee is a fee that they will throw in to see how many people catch it and if enough do not say anything, it becomes free money. After all, since it is not the Account Fee, who is to say they can not later charge said Account Fee and Analysis Fee and double their income. A trick my (formerly) little bank may have learned from the big banks’ credit card tricks.
A recent review of bank statements encountered several new fees and charges. Exhaustive research has uncovered the following possible fees which may appear on your bank statements. Expect this to be added to and updated often….
|TSF||Teller Service Fee||Fee collected each time you use a teller to offset the cost to the bank for hiring tellers to service your account. It would be unfair to ask the bank to pay tellers out of their income as that would reduce the bank’s profits and reduce the executives’ bonuses.|
|TSIF||Teller Supplemental Income Fee||To compensate the tellers for not using them and the money they lost from you not paying the TSF. Some banks call this a TAF|
|TAF||Teller Avoidance Fee||Fee the bank collects for using ATMs and not tellers since they still have to hire tellers to stand around even if you are not using them.|
|EVF||Executive Vacation Fee||As the persons responsible for making major decisions it is important to the mental and physical health of the executives to take time off to relax and have fun. This fee allows the bank to provide free (to the executives) vacations so that it will be unnecessary for the executives to use their own money for this purpose. To prevent abuses, only Senior Vice-Presidents and above who make at least $500,000 per year qualify for this benefit.|
|EBF||Executive Bonus Fee||Fee collected to pay executive bonuses. The bank pays half, the customers pay the other half of the total annual bonuses. Bonuses are awarded by the executives based on what they think they should receive.|
|SPF||Statement Printing Fee||Fee to compensate the bank for the cost of printing your statement. This fee automatically triggers SEF and SMF fees.|
|SEF||Statement Envelope Fee||Fee to compensate the bank for the cost of the envelope used to mail you your statement.|
|SMF||Statement Mailing Fee||Without this fee, your statement can not be mailed to you.|
|GBPF||Government Bailout Payback Fee||A fee charged to all bank customers to generate the money need to increase the bank’s profits to pay back the bailout money that was spent on executive bonuses and vacations.|
|GBIF||Government Bailout Interest Fee||Interest fees that the bank is charging all customers for the use of the interest free money that the bank received from the US government.|
|GBLF||Government Bailout Legal Fee||A fee assessed by the bank to pay for the lawyers that will do all the legal filings to justify why the bank spent the bailout money on bonuses and vacations and not on loans and mortgages.|
|GBSF||Government Bailout Surcharge Fee||A surcharge fee passed on to the customers for the extra work the bank has to do to take care of the spending of the bank’s bailout money.|
|GBET||Government Bailout Excise Tax||A tax levied by the government on the bank’s receiving bailout money. (First the government giveth, then the government taxeth)|
|GBTF||Government Bailout Travel Fee||Fee to offset the charges for the executives to fly in private airplanes and travel by limo to Congressional hearings on why they need bailout money to stay in business.|
|BREF||Bank Regulator Entertainment Fee||To pay the bank’s cost at providing lunches, golf outings, boating trips and vacations to inspectors and regulators who are reviewing the bank’s operations for legal compliance, so that they can continue to charge the customers other fees.|
|BPRCF||Bad Public Relations Correction Fee||To compensate the bank for the cost of running ads and other expenses to inform the public that the bad news about the bank is not the bank management’s fault but is to be blamed on someone else|
|NBCF||Neighborhood Branch Closing Fee||To compensate the bank for the cost of closing local branches and combining several branches into one so you now have to drive 10 more miles to get to branch then you did before the last merger and stand in line for 3 times as long.|
|ELF||Executives Lunch Fee||To prevent executives from having to pay for lunches and snacks out their pockets. Limited to anyone with the title of Senior Manager or Vice-President and above.|
|ASGF||Armed Security Guard Fee||To pay for the Armed Security Guard that stars at you from behind dark glasses while he carcasses the grip on his weapon almost to say, “Please make my day by doing something stupid like not having your deposit slip filled out when you get to the teller.”|
|DSNFOF||Deposit Slip Not Filled Out Fee||Fee because you got to the teller’s window and did not have your deposit slip filled out which delayed the teller from completing your transaction and getting on to the next customer. This fee offsets the reduction in TSF’s because you slowed the teller down.|
|ASQF||Asked Stupid Question Fee||Because you foolishly asked the teller any question other then questions about how to deposit your money in the bank. This fee offsets the reduction in TSF’s because you slowed the teller down.|
|CWF||Cash Withdrawal Fee||Collected to offset you taking your money out of our bank in cash. This fee is in addition to the TSF or TSIF charges for actually handling the transaction.|
|CCARS||Call in Center Automated Response System||Fee for using automated system to obtain account information. This fee will also be charged if you first connect to the ARS and then decide you need to talk to a live person which is a CCAP fee.|
|CCAP||Call in Center Actual Person Fee||Fee for talking to an actual person at Call in Center.|
|CCAPCA||Call in Center Actual Person Correct Answer Fee||Fee for the Actual Person to look up your question and provide you with an answer that is 51% or better likely to be correct. Please note that correct answers are subject to change based on the needs of the bank.|
|CCCC||Call in Center Connection Charge||Charge for being connected to bank’s Call in Center. This fee is charged in addition to the CCARS and/or CCAP fees since you can not reach ARS or AP without first being connected to the Call in Center. Multiple fees may be charged, first for the ARS and then for the AP.|
|SEEF||Supplemental Executive Entertainment Fee||Fee to provide entertainment for executives not included elsewhere. For male executives this would include strip-clubs and yacht rides with bikini models. For female executives this would include shoe shopping.|
|PUF||Pen Use Fee||Fee for using the pens with chain attached that are too short to use or out of ink.|
|NAPWF||The Nerve to Ask for a Pen that Works Fee||How dare you ask an employee to borrow a pen that works so you can write a check. This fee is waived if used to fill out a deposit slip for at least $10,000.|
|MERF||Merger Expense Recover Fee||Fee to cover the cost of buying other banks since paying for the merger out of the extra earnings from the new customers, savings from closing branches and firing employees would reduce the bank’s net income and lower executive bonuses. This fee allows the bank to get paid by the customers to increase holding time on Call in Centers and increase lines at the few remaining branches.|
|CREF||Congressional Representative Entertainment Fee||Fee collected to offset wining and dining members of congress to pass laws that benefit the bank’s executives.|
|BMRF||Bad Mortgage Recovery Fees||To cover the cost to the bank for mortgages that defaulted because the bank wrote loans to people who did not even have jobs. (The bank can not use bailout money for this since that money was used on bonuses.)|
|RVRF||Repo’ed Vehicle Recovery Fee||Fee to cover the costs to repo vehicles and then sell them at a profit after the bank had to get them back from people who borrowed money to buy them but did not even have a job.|
|CCBDF||Credit Card Bad Debt Fee||To cover the cost of credit cards that were not paid back that were given to people who did not even have jobs. (See a pattern here?)|
|FCF||Free Coffee Fee||This fee is charged to all customers that enter a branch for any reason to pay for the free coffee that the bank provides to customers who enter the branch. Since the coffee is not charged for when it is poured in the cup, it is technically free…… in bank logic.|
|TJCCF||Threaten johncarter.com Fee||Fee to hire lawyers to attack this site for this posting.|